The Sadomasochistic Character and how to transform it

The sadomasochistic character is formed between the ages of 1 and 4, a period when the child tests boundaries. This is known as the anal stage of development according to Freud, or the phase of ego formation.

The core trauma here is humiliation.

This character structure typically arises from a parental environment where one of the parents violated the child’s boundaries or instilled guilt or blame for not performing well enough in some area. Sometimes the upbringing was excessively strict, lacking understanding and empathy. For example, when behavioral expectations are set without reasoning – “I don’t want you staying out late because something might happen and it’s for your own good” is replaced by “You must be home by 10 because you live in my house and I make the rules.” In this way, the child fails to understand the boundary between restriction and personal freedom. Sometimes punishments are humiliating, and the child begins to experience parental love as deeply conditional.

As a result, the adult internalizes a sense of guilt and inadequacy, regardless of achievements. This character type feels little satisfaction from accomplishments, takes on excessive burdens, and accumulates passive aggression. They struggle to maintain their own boundaries and often cannot say no—even when it's harmful. A classic example is the ever-smiling coworker who is always ready to help—not just one person, but everyone who asks. This leaves them with no time for their own goals, building up self-directed aggression and resentment toward those they help. That’s why, when overwhelmed, this type can explode in intense rage, often triggered by seemingly insignificant events.

The sadomasochistic character unconsciously seeks humiliation in relationships. They have not developed inner self-love and seek it externally—through pleasing others and seeking their approval, putting others before their own needs and happiness. Consequently, they cannot set boundaries—because boundaries come from love: love for oneself and for others. Boundaries are the guarantee that relationships stay healthy. If they themselves don’t know or show where their boundaries are, how can others respect them? This personality type fears setting boundaries directly, believing it will make them unlikeable or embarrassing.

Sexuality is highly emphasized in this character. Such individuals put great effort into pleasing their partner.

Their greatest fear is the fear of exposure, closely tied to the fear of rejection. The sadomasochistic character wants to be accepted and thus avoids saying no or setting limits, hoping others will like them—and then they’ll be able to like themselves.

You may observe this character speaking ill of others behind their backs as a form of self-protection and tension relief. They believe that being overly kind to others will make them liked, but the opposite often occurs—they irritate others and even provoke rudeness. People instinctively sense that the person does not respect themselves and, in turn, stop respecting them too. Their rebellion is not direct—they agree outwardly but delay tasks or procrastinate instead of refusing outright. This need to be socially acceptable leads to built-up bitterness, seeing others as “bad,” and adopting a slave mentality that prevents them from becoming leaders, confronting disagreement, fighting for themselves, or living freely.

On the contrary, this character is suppressed, suppresses themselves, and often develops illnesses—from anxiety to autoimmune, endocrine, or even oncological diseases.

Procrastination is very common in the sadomasochistic character—they self-sabotage, cannot set personal boundaries, lack self-discipline, and leave their own important tasks behind while taking on others’ responsibilities. This leads to deep dissatisfaction and, in the long run, results in failure, suffering, and self-pity.

The sadomasochistic character identifies with the victim role, constantly blaming others and lacking the ability to take responsibility for their own life. They frequently complain and live with chronic guilt. Deep inside, they believe they are inherently bad. This type exhibits a strong degree of learned helplessness—believing nothing depends on them and avoiding responsibility (which becomes their secondary gain). As a compensation, they pretend to be extremely strong, capable of managing without sleep or rest, taking on many commitments, and enduring physical pain. They endure pain as a way to atone for the guilt placed on them by their parent’s judgment of them as “bad.” Even if not always consciously, the sadomasochistic character harbors deep self-pity. Although they may appear submissive, inwardly they are often harsh—first toward themselves, and then toward those closest to them.

The mask of the sadomasochistic character is often rigidity.

Transforming the Sadomasochistic Character into an Altruist

When the sadomasochistic character is transformed and embraces their fear of exposure, humiliation, and rejection, they become an altruist—rooted in healthy self-interest. They give to others but care for themselves first. They give from abundance—having first worked to fill themselves with love, energy, and personal achievement. Only then do they help others, never giving from emptiness, as is the habit of the unhealed masochist.

The transformed sadomasochistic character knows how to pace themselves, can stop before overexerting, knows their limits and capabilities. Once restructured, they learn to love themselves and to express their needs—through their boundaries, their desires, and their love of living happily. They learn to accept rejection without falling apart.

The long-term suppression of emotions and endurance of hardship have made this character extremely resilient, and when healed, this resilience remains a great strength.

Techniques used to transform the sadomasochistic character include hypnosis, meditation, group therapy, guided imagery, intentional work, and awareness practices.

Cognitive restructuring plays a key role in working with this character type. This is achieved by bringing limiting beliefs to the conscious level—such as “If I speak up, others will reject me,” or “If I am myself, something bad will happen.” With conscious help, these are replaced with healthy beliefs, such as:

• “I matter.”

• “I can handle it.”

• “I am a good person.”

• “I am worthy, and that’s why I respect myself.”

• “I deserve love.”

• “I deserve rest.”

• “I can say no…

• “I can speak up even if others disagree with me,”

• “I am not responsible for other people’s feelings,”

• “I am allowed to make mistakes and still be worthy.”

This cognitive restructuring process helps the sadomasochistic character to move away from self-sabotage and develop healthy self-worth. It allows them to stop seeking love through suffering and sacrifice, and instead, to begin cultivating inner self-acceptance and dignity.

In therapy, another key element is working on emotional expression. The repressed anger, humiliation, and grief need to be processed in a safe space. When these emotions are acknowledged and released, the individual becomes less reactive and more grounded. Techniques like bioenergetic exercises, psychodrama, somatic experiencing, or simply naming emotions as they arise can be profoundly healing.

The goal is to move from servitude to sovereignty — from compulsively pleasing others to authentically caring while staying connected to the self. When the sadomasochistic character is healed, they stop offering themselves from emptiness and start giving from fullness. They are no longer driven by guilt or fear of rejection, but by choice, joy, and genuine connection.

This transformation does not erase their deep sensitivity and strength — it integrates them. The reworked sadomasochistic personality becomes a resilient, empathic, and powerful person, capable of love without self-denial, care without self-erasure, and presence without submission.